On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “42.6% of Washington women and 28.3% of Washington men experience intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner rape and/or intimate partner stalking in their lifetimes.”
Domestic violence is “a pattern of behavior in which one intimate partner uses physical violence, coercion, threats, intimidation, isolation and emotional, sexual or economic abuse to control and change the behavior of the other partner.”
There is never an excuse or valid reason for any abuse, of any kind, to anyone. No one asks to be abused. And the impact and effects of abuse can be long-lasting.
It can be hard to understand the complex dynamics of an abusive relationship if you have never in one, or close to someone who is in one. Kellie Rogers, of the Domestic Abuse Women’s Network (DAWN), answered some questions to get a better understanding of the impacts of abuse and how one can support individuals in an abusive relationship.
But, Why?
Auburn Examiner: Why don’t some individuals leave abusive relationships?
Kellie Rogers: For survivors with children, the number one reason they stay is for their children. It is also the number one reason they leave. If someone is very physically abusive, the survivor knows that they are the only ones who can protect the children as it is very rare for family law court to order supervised access to children and when it is ordered, it is often the abuser’s family members who are appointed. So, if they stay, they can at least run interference on behalf of the children.
The lack of affordable housing in our community plays a huge role in why survivors stay. This is real and heartbreaking. Access to confidential emergency domestic violence shelter is one of our most pressured resources. The turn away rate for survivors in highly lethal situations is 57-1. This means that realistically, shelter is not an option for most people. Often, survivors are making the real choice between staying with their abuser or homelessness. Financial abuse is a tactic that many abusers will use post-separation. If their partner does leave them, they will choose to not pay support, or child support and there are many stories from survivors whose abusers will cut off the power, phone, etc.
All these things, plus promises that things will be better, are why survivors return to the abuser.
Finally, the most dangerous time for survivors is when their abuser believes that they are really leaving for good. This is when violence increases and when people die. This is true even for those who have Protection Orders. If a survivor tells you that they are afraid that they will die if they leave, you must believe them.
Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, has been likened to Stockholm syndrome. It is the “result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.”
AE: Can you explain trauma bonding?
KR: In my opinion, the issue isn’t trauma bonding, the issue is that survivors love their abusers and understand that they are whole people. They can be generous, loving, and caring partners sometimes and reconciling that with the abuse is really hard. Remember, abusers are really great early on in the relationship.
It is common for abuse to begin small (controlling behaviors) and are troubling to the survivor. They try to work on it with their partner to build a thriving relationship. This is especially true when there are children involved or if they are dependent (often at the insistence of their partner) on their abuser for housing, financial support, etc.
Domestic Abuse and the Legal System
AE: Why don’t some people press charges in a Domestic Violence situation?
KR: This is a nuanced question and the answer is as well. For survivors who have positive relationships/experiences from law enforcement, the answer is because they didn’t want the impacts of the criminal justice system on their family. Many survivors will say that they just want the violence to stop, not for their partners to be arrested, charged and prosecuted. Survivors are often worried about the impacts of an arrest on their partner’s career. When survivors are a part of a community that has less positive experiences with law enforcement, bringing that system into their lives creates bigger risks. Again, they want the violence to stop, but don’t want their family deported, or engaged in a negative interaction with law enforcement, or themselves being arrested.
AE: Why are some protective orders not granted?
KR: In order for a protection order to be granted the judge/commissioner must make a finding that the petitioner meets the legal standard which is that they are in fear of imminent physical harm or threat of physical harm. Most behaviors that abusers use to control their partners is not physical but rather, emotional, psychological, financial, etc. These types of behaviors do not meet the standard.
When there is physical assault alleged, it often comes down to whether the commissioner/judge believes the survivor. The issue here is that it is common for abusers to present very well in public and so commissioners will believe them. This is frustrating for those of us who know the research from the fatality reviews in Washington State because that research states that the correlation between physical abuse and murder of the survivor is not as strong of an indicator as is the survivor’s level of fear.
How Can You Help?
AE: How can those in the life of someone in an abusive relationship support that individual?
KR:
According to the “Friends and Family Guide: How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship” WSCADV.org/friends, the best way to support someone going through an abusive relationship is to ask questions, listen and stay connected. Asking questions in a non-judgmental way, such as, “ How is it going?’, “What are your biggest concerns?”, “What worries you the most?” and then listening to their answers and trusting that they know what is best (safest) for themselves and their children. Staying connected, even if they continue with the relationship or return to the abusive partner.On average, it takes a survivor 7 times before they successfully leave an abusive relationship. It is common for friends and family to be very supportive at first, and then less and less so as they return to the relationship. It is in fact, the most helpful to be available each and every time. You also become a much “safer” support person if you are able to listen and support the survivor without demonizing the abuser. Saying things like, “That doesn’t sound safe to me.”, “I am worried about you.”, “No one deserves to be treated like that.” or “Anyone would be scared in that situation.”, and “How can I help?” can be really helpful and are survivor-centered.
Domestic Abuse Resources
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there are resources available to them.
Domestic Abuse Women’s Network (DAWN)
Call their 24-hour crisis line at 425-656-STOP (7867)
DAWN provides domestic violence assistance including a confidential shelter, training for advocates, children’s programs and legal advocacy.
King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence
A wealth of information about domestic violence issues and programs and services available in King County.
LifeWire
Call their 24-hour crisis line at 425-746-1940 or 1-800-827-8840
LifeWire offers services from shelter to counseling to training. Visit their site to learn more about local services and domestic violence prevention.
New Beginnings
Call their 24-hour help line at 206-522-9472
Provides shelter, advocacy and support for battered women, and those whose lives have been affected by domestic violence.
Youth Eastside Services (YES)
Call their helpline at 425-747-4937
YES provides dating and domestic violence assistance to teens, parents, and community members in East King County through counseling, classes and support groups, and mentoring programs.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
SAFETY NOTE: Remember that abusers can and often do check browser history and go through messages on phones.
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