pronoun (n.)
mid-15c., from pro- and noun; modeled on Middle French pronom, from Latin pronomen, from pro “in place of” + nomen “name, noun”
A rose by any other name may smell just as sweet, but if we could ask the rose, it may well not appreciate being called a tulip. I know I don’t appreciate it when folks mess up my name. While I am technically named Katherine, I’ve gone by Kate since I was about 6 years old, and that is how I introduce myself to others. However, I often have people I’ve introduced myself to call me Katie instead. Which drives me bonkers. I am not Katie, I didn’t introduce myself as Katie, why are you changing my name without my permission?
My mom has a name that is pronounced very differently from how it is spelled, and so almost no one says it right the first time, and often not the second or third time either. And, when she corrects them, many people put on a mocking, snobby tone to repeat her name, as though wanting her name to be pronounced correctly is somehow a stuck up thing for her to want. This drives her pretty bonkers too.
And I’m sure many of you reading this have had similar experiences with people messing up your name, one way or another. Shortening or lengthening it without permission, pronouncing it or misspelling it, etc. And my guess from interacting with folks is that this bothers most people, and probably bothers someone more the more often it happens. Being bothered by someone messing up your name makes sense, and is a relatable thing to most people.
More Than What You Learned in English Class
But many are confused about those who are upset about having the wrong pronouns applied to them. If you are one of those confused, I will invite you to read the above definition.
Pronouns stand in for names in conversation. And, rather like our names, our pronouns are tied closely to our sense of identity. Pronouns, like names, connect closely to our sense of who we are. However, unlike names, our pronouns also describe a piece of what we are. If you can understand why it might bother someone to have their name delivered incorrectly, you can understand why pronouns are important.
Similarly, if you can imagine yourself being upset if someone referred to you as an “it” (another pronoun, but one usually reserved for objects, not people), you can understand why pronouns are important. We all want to be seen and interacted with for both who, and what, we are.
So, what can we do?
Many of us, either in our jobs or in day to day life, consistently interact with a procession of strangers. And, for much of our history terms such as sir, ma’am, miss, ladies and gentlemen, and other gendered terms were considered the polite way to address those you don’t know.
Use An Alternative
If you are interacting with a group of people, you might say,” Good evening, folks!” or “How is everyone today?” For only one person, you could simply drop the pronoun all together “How is your day going?” or “Have a nice afternoon!”. If the situation is one where you and the person are introduced by name, then referring to someone by their name is a perfect stand-in for pronouns until you know what pronouns they use “Hey Kate, I hope you have a lovely day,” or “Did you see the dress Kate was wearing? I really liked it.”
Share Your Preferred Pronouns
If you feel comfortable doing so when you are introduced to people, say to a new group of coworkers, for example, you might include your pronouns in the introduction. “Hi, my name is Kate, and I use she/her pronouns.” Doing this invites those around you to tell you their pronouns, which can be a great way to help others feel safe and respected.
Use They/Their/Them
When in doubt and talking about another person as opposed to talking to them, it is always safe to use “they” as a gender-neutral option (one that Merriam Webster says has been in use since the 1300s, for those grammar sticklers out there). If you pay attention, you probably already use ‘they’ as a singular pronoun fairly often when you don’t know a person’s gender. For instance, if someone is driving recklessly, you might remark “Man, where did they learn how to drive?” and other instances such as this. Try to notice yourself doing this for the next week or two. You may be surprised how often you’re already doing it.
It’s Ok To Ask
But, what if the person is someone who you interact with somewhat regularly? Ask. Similarly to how we may feel when we need to ask the name of someone who recognizes us, but we don’t remember them, asking can feel embarrassing, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. But asking is the right way to go.
A simple “what pronouns do you use?” can go a long way towards building a positive relationship with someone about whom the world often makes the wrong assumption. And putting yourself out there, making a point of trying to use more gender-neutral language, and trying to make as many people as possible feel safe and welcome in your community is a great way to celebrate Pride month.
Check out this BBC article “Beyond ‘he’ and ‘she’: The rise of non-binary pronouns” to learn more about gender pronouns.
Kate Sherman is a Seattle based mental health therapist. She works with members of under-served and marginalized communities, including those of the LGBTQ+ communities.
This is a sincere post, not trolling. I have no problem using a person’s preferred pronouns if they specify what those are. I have no problem with the idea of sharing my own pronouns to make a person feel more comfortable/included/safe. I do have a problem with the notion of asking for someone’s pronouns though. I think that if someone has a different pronoun preference, they should be the one to inform others about their preference. Here’s why. Most people are cis-gender and are going to go by the traditional pronouns. I can think of a lot of cases where asking a cis-gender person what their pronouns are would be rude and mean.
Here are some examples.
Post-menopausal women who suddenly are battling stubbly facial hair and other masculinizing side-effects (my own mother has this problem, I think it would make her cry to have someone ask her if she’s a he).
Chubby guys with man boobs (who’ve undoubtedly been teased and bullied about it). Older people in general, who just look more androgynous due to aging.
Muscular women, flat-chested women. Men with high voices or women with deep voices (I know a man with a high voice who is very self-conscious about it).
Here’s a very specific example: a black woman with a stocky build who wears her hair short and natural and doesn’t wear makeup. How would you ask a person like that what their preferred gender pronouns are without being horribly mean and insensitive?
Guys who just aren’t super muscular and are kind of soft and squishy looking (I know several guys like that who are cis-gender).
Women who, by our societal standards, are ugly (I have a friend who refuses to cut her hair short because she thinks her face is too ugly and people will think she’s a guy if she does…it breaks my heart to think of someone asking her if she prefers to go by he or she).
Women who have recently battled cancer and lost their hair and had to have a double mastectomy. Wouldn’t it be cruel to ask a woman like that if she’s a he or she? I think that in every one of these cases it would be incredibly mean and cruel to ask for gender pronouns.
We all live in a society with rules about beauty and gender. These societal rules are still firmly in place. It is hard to be outside the societal standard of beauty. I have a body type that makes me look like I’m pregnant if I don’t choose my clothes wisely. I hate being mistaken for being pregnant. It hurts when this happens. I know there’s nothing wrong with my body type and that it is just society’s effed up beauty standards, but, it still hurts, I still feel self-conscious about it, because the societal standard still dictates that women should have flat bellies, hourglass shapes, etc. My understanding that the standard is effed up doesn’t magically make the standard disappear.
I guess my point is, suggesting that it is simple to just “ask” for pronouns maybe isn’t so simple. I don’t think you should ask someone. I think it is better to wait for them to volunteer that info on their own. Offering your own preferred pronouns is a great way to make them feel comfortable doing so, but asking someone doesn’t seem right to me. That’s just my 2 cents.
To follow this guide would be to make the English language, a language already famous for its complexity, more complicated.
A solution, I see(and I assume has already been spoken for) is dropping all unique personal pronouns and adopting a universal pronoun chart, say they/them/theirs, that it is assumed to be unoffensive to use on any person. The goal would be to push for its regular usage. This way you could identify with whatever additional pronoun you wish as well as keep an unassuming nonoffensive fallback for people who do not know or do not wish to remember extra information about a person they may only rarely encounter. So, close acquaintances would know your special pronouns and the general public would mostly refer to you with the globally neutral pronouns.